February 2012
1 post
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Monday February 5th, 2012 11:30 PM
me: did you hear that karl lagerfeld said adele was “a little too fat”
Jordan: who the fuck is karl lagerfeld
<Google Pause>
Jordan: that dude looks like a gay Vince McMahon
January 2012
2 posts
December 2011
2 posts
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Trailer Park Thursdays
You know how it is. You’re young, you’re tan, you’re possibly Italian and you just got laid off from your job selling underwear at a Newark Macy’s. Right? Right. New Katherine Heigel vehicle “One for the Money” knows and is basically your biography, as told to Theresa Guidice from Real Housewives of New Jersey. She then scribbled the story in lipstick on...
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I think it’s really sort of fucked up that the press and Vogue magazine and whoever else are giving “My Week With Marilyn” all this attention. It’s like they’re forgetting that the world already HAS an incredible film celebrating the beauty, charm, mystery and magic of Marilyn Monroe.
Hollywood’s always fixing what ain’t broke.
November 2011
9 posts
5 tags
If you know me IRL, it’s no secret that I don’t like cats. I’m allergic to them, but real talk, I think they’re gross and a little scary.
I know that I’m in the minority, especially in Brooklyn and especially, especially on the internet. I do understand and respect that people love their cats the way I love dogs. I do not wish any harm to come to any cat...
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I am absolutely positive that Jonathan Brandis’s character in “Ladybugs” wrote about impersonating a woman and how it impacted his understanding of gendered power structures and the dominant male gaze for his college application essay.
RIP, JB
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Serge Gainsbourg’s La Javanaise
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Jersey? Sure!
By the age of 8, I had become worldly enough to know that the situations depicted on some of my favorite TV shows like Three’s Company, Diff’rent Strokes, Who’s The Boss? and Out of This World didn’t always hew accurately to real life. I knew it was unlikely that, in a pinch, your housekeper dad would become your homeroom teacher for a day, be a magnanimous billionaire...
October 2011
2 posts
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September 2011
5 posts
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Ten Signs You are the Ingenue in a New Wave Film
10. The only piece of outerwear you own doubles as one of your most salient personal characteristics.
9. Your engagement in childlike activities such as singing, doll manipulation, wild dancing and gunplay is entirely without irony.
8. You are perpetually pressing yourself up against walls, doors, columns and other architectural means of support as though your body, on it’s own, lacks...
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August 2011
1 post
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Little Cotton Heroes: A Poem That Really Happened
This morning
I was running to the train and reached into my bag to grab my Metrocard and my wallet was all wet. I realized that the water bottle I had put in my bag had leaked and panicked because my iphone, ipod, makeup and book were in there as well. Those things cannot get wet. Miraculously, though the water had leaked directly onto this other little bag i have, which contained,among...
July 2011
9 posts
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Pretty much made to be used in the closing credits...
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About A Book
There is a guy that I knew years ago. He was the best friend of an old friend’s boyfriend, and I met him a few times at parties, and he always stuck out in my memory, quite possibly because he is literally the most insanely, ridiculously attractive man I have ever seen in actual, human life. Looking directly at him was next to impossible for me, like staring into the sun during an eclipse on...
Nate Dogg’s finest.
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Dear Bank of America Customer Service Representative with the Soothing Voice,
What you SAID was “Have you ever considered overdraft protection for this account?” but what I HEARD was “Have you ever considered managing your finances like a mature, competent adult?”
Message Received.
Humbly,
Ashley
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Ever since I found out that almost the entirety of MTVs “Rich Girls” is on YouTube, I have been as consumed with it as I was when it aired for it’s one lone season in fall of 2003.
I have decided that I want to use Ally Hilfiger as something. I want to DO something with her. She’s ripe for parody but also so earnest and desperate that I can’t, in good conscience,...
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In an effort to curb my enthusiasm for spending money and messing up the earth, I recently decided to purchase a reusable water bottle. Though I have rarely witnessed it, the sheer proliferation of water bottles that come pre-outfitted with a small hook, or clamp, seems to suggest that urban rappelling is a wildly popular activity. Virtually every model I encountered featured a clip or a ring or...
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WatchAt first I was rolling my eyes and mocking, but then she said she had no debt and was getting a free ride through grad-school and that shut me up real quick.
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June 2011
8 posts
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Gay Friends: I'm Sorry It Took Us So Long #NY
Having a Coke with you
is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt partly because of the fluoresent orange tulips around the birches ...
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It's Pride Week, Right?
Listen.
Legendary designer Cristobal Balenciaga’s first creation was a collar with pearls that he made for his cat in Spain in 1901 when he was 4 years old.
If that, plus this doesn’t convince folks that people are BORN GAY, then I fear nothing will.
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I Think Knots Landing Is On Tonight...
There is an internet lady that I like very much, name’a Almie Rose aka Apocalypstick. She wrote recently in the electronic pages of a website that I do not like very much, an article that I do like very much, about the most influential television show of my sweet young life, “Beverly Hills 90210.”
Like Almie, I was not allowed to watch 90210 because my mother deemed it too adult, having...
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Better Late Than Not at All: Bridesmaids
Change usually only comes after enough rich people get really pissed off. Judd Apatow, after being roundly criticized for his one-dimensional portrayals of women in movies like Knocked Up, Superbad and The 40 Year Old Virgin hired Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo to write Bridesmaids, which opened May 15th to strong reviews. Whatever the privileged circumstances surrounding this decision,it was...
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May 2011
11 posts
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INA!
I know we all sometimes mock Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa, but I actually think that betch “has it all”. She just cooks whatever she wants in a gorgeous kitchen and then hangs out with her girlfriends and her gay friends, drinking wine and then on the weekends, sees her husband. I guess he’s a pilot or a pirate or something?
There are worse ways to live.
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Efforts
I’m trying to do this thing where I don’t worry about what’s going to happen in three hours. Like, I’m trying to be like, “Saturday night will just HAPPEN” instead of being like “Oh, I should figure out what I’m doing later!”
I’m also trying to “stay with my breath”, be in the moment and notice everything that’s...
“I’m proud of Britney. Nobody likes to give respect and appreciation to women...”
– Snoop on Britney (via mollylambert)
Nice.
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Why You Got A Fragrance, Mariah?
Last night on the way to a friend’s birthday dinner I stopped into CVS to pick up some personal effects. While waiting on the checkout line spied the ‘As Seen on TV” shelf, the drugstore guilty pleasure. Ped Egg! Shams Wows! Different tools for opening jars! It’s all there. I’ve literally never purchased anything from the ’As Seen on TV” shelf, but the...
WatchThat Episode of 227 where Sandras boyfriend buys a Japanese restaurant
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Thanks, Mike Nichols
Last night I took a trip back to 1988, courtesy of a half-smoked joint I found in my room AND the classic Mike Nichols opus Working Girl.
I, of course, was aware that this movie is awesome, and not least for the ill Carly Simon. It had been several years since I watched it though, and I had forgotten that in addition to giving us an hilarious Kevin Spacey on coke scene, this movie is much more...
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This is Unrelated but I can't beleive T.I. is...
Apparently, I’ve been feeling American feelings only for the past 30 years.
”Feelin’ American’” is the name of my album and I’m going to record it wearing Taylor Swift-style prom curls, seated on tractor next to a box of tampons.
Acedia (Europe Middle Ages and Renaissance): Spiritual torpor or aversion to religious imagery, suggested as arising from...
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You Be The Jury: Dick / Not Dick?
Guys, hello.
So something happened over the weekend, by which I mean I did something over the weekend that I think might have been dick but maybe it was justified? I don’t know, I’m torn, so I’ve come to you to judge, evaluate and (hopefully) approve my behavior.
Sunday evening as the sun set, I was aboard the iron horse. I was headed to New York from Penne-Sylle-Vane-ya,...
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Band Names That Blink 182 Considered but ...
Band Names That Blink-182 Considered but Ultimately Decided Against
Shudder 666
Heave 48
Twitch 227
The Unbearable Rightness of Peeing
Pube Assassin
Why, Tookay?
The Strokes
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"It is the easiest thing in the world for a man to...
Herman Melville quote up there, guys
FACT: It is one of life’s simplest pleasures to encounter the human, live-action version of an animated character. By way of example, I will explain that this one time I met a girl who literally WAS Velma from Scooby Doo.
She wasn’t wearing a turtleneck, but it didn’t even matter. She had the same hair, the same skin tone, hell, even the...
