My Pain Is So Significant

10. The only piece of outerwear you own doubles as one of your most salient personal characteristics.

9. Your engagement in childlike activities such as singing, doll manipulation, wild dancing and gunplay is entirely without irony.

8. You are perpetually pressing yourself up against walls, doors, columns and other architectural means of support as though your body, on its own, lacks the strength to hold you upright.

7. You are rootless and without any discernible personal history, save prior sexual encounters which are alluded to in the vaguest possible manner. 

6. The charms that captivate and beguile your peers are lost on shopkeepers, bartenders and any others of a more senior generation, who find you exhaustingly exasperating.

5. Unless it is to your death, you never drive but are only driven, sandwiched between two sullen, lustful, be-hatted men.

4. Your displays of affection and bursts of emotion are directed mostly towards animals/stuffed animals. 

3. You speak in short sentences unless you are delivering a long speech of abstract aphorisms.

2. You subsist simply, on coffee, stale bread and longing stares.

1. Knee socks, petulance.